Mama Wears Her Coffee | The Lost Tampon
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The Lost Tampon

This is stupid. This is so embarrassing. This is stupid.

The moment that I pulled into the parking lot I instantly began scanning all around me for anyone else who would be walking into the building at the same time as me. As soon as I stumbled out of my car and hit the lock button on my key fob I spotted a car turning into the parking lot. Damn it. Walk faster! There was no way that I was going to have anyone in front of me or behind me for this. I pretty much ran into the building and followed the bright red signs that directed me towards the check in desk. Oh this is good… nobody is in line. Whew. I was still in full on power walking mode as I approached the desk. I mean, doesn’t everyone basically run into urgent care? I don’t even want to think about how ridiculous I looked.

I was greeted by a woman with dark hair. She didn’t smile at first but had the calmest voice. As she took all of my information and confirmed my address I knew that the big question was coming and there was no way that I could avoid it. “And what brings you in today?” Oh crap, this was the moment. The moment I had rehearsed in the car the whole two minutes it took me to drive here. “I need a pelvic exam” I whispered. There was a few people in the waiting room and I am fairly confident that they could hear every word that I was saying and could even hear my heart beating erratically in my chest. Isn’t HIPPA supposed to protect this kind of situation? Come on. A pelvic exam!? I was just finishing my morning coffee and now I am asking for a freaking pelvic exam. Well isn’t this the best way to start a morning – ever. “Okay, are you having any painful…” the woman began asking before I cut her off. “No, nothing painful… this is going to sound really stupid and is so embarrassing… but…” my voice got quieter and quieter as I leaned over the counter. I felt like I was pretty much trying to catapult myself into her lap so that nobody could hear me. “I, well, I think I have a retained tampon. I’m pretty sure, but not positive, that I put a second tampon in before taking out the first one.” Boom. There it was. I said it out loud and prayed to God that the people in the waiting room didn’t hear me even though I know that they could. I mean really, who does that? This idiot right here. “That isn’t stupid that actually happens a lot more than you think,” she began to tell me. Part of me thinks she was just trying to make me feel better by lying but then she went into detail on her own personal tampon drama. “Would it be possible to see a female doctor today?” I asked. The nice woman with dark hair reassured me that she would see what she could do and sent me on my way to sit in the chair of shame.

I couldn’t even look at anything besides my shoes. Part of me wanted to bust out laughing hysterically at the thought of people actually hearing me confess that I may or may not have a lost tampon somewhere in my vagina. I mean, it is comical, right? That thought was rudely interrupted when the woman with dark hair shouted (yes, shouted) at me from across the waiting room that unfortunately she checked and there are no female doctors in today. Oh, okay, thank you. Why don’t we just tell everyone and confirm their suspicions that I need my vag checked & stat. I sulked into my chair at this point and was just waiting for the nurse to call my name.

“Jessica?” Praise Jesus. That is me! Get me out of this waiting room. As my nurse, Nicole, started to ask me what brought me in today I just let it all out. Told her how I had my period this past week, how one day I thought I might have put a second tampon in before taking out the first one but I wasn’t really sure, how I had three kids and had real bad mom brain, how my husband and I had sex last night and he didn’t think anything was floating around in there, how I spent an hour last night before bed fishing around in my own vagina trying to find a possible long lost tampon, and how I ended up coming in because I know all about toxic shock syndrome (hello, future nurse here) and I started work at three and I couldn’t come down with a fever after 3 o’clock. Wow. Did you catch all of that? She was seriously so great and made me feel normal. Told me all about a friend of hers who did the same thing and one of her nurse friends actually had to go in (after a few glasses of wine) and fish the lost tampon out of her friend. We bonded.

Thankfully Nicole was in the room with me when I survived my first ever pelvic exam by a male doctor. They were both so nice and made me feel like I wasn’t a complete idiot. Apparently it really is a thing to lose a tampon somewhere in the vagina abyss. Who knew. After confirming that there was in fact no lost tampon up there somewhere he sent me on my way with a nice handout on toxic shock syndrome and signs to watch out for. Ladies, if you think you might have a tampon in there somewhere – go get it checked out. It is better to go in and feel like a complete idiot and have it be nothing than to wait and get sick. Real sick.

Well, that was a fun way to spend my Sunday morning. My husband and best friends are never going to let me live that down. My husband just came out and asked, “Babe are you watching your show?

“Nope, I’m blogging about the lost tampon.”

Real life, people.

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