To All of the SAHMs – I’m sorry.
To all of the stay at home moms (or “SAHM” for all the cool kids) that came before me… I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I actually thought for the tiniest second that staying at home with your kids was merely a nice extension of your lavish 12 week maternity leave – back when you only had ONE baby. You know, the one where you sat at home watching the entire series of Parenthood from start to finish as you snuggled your freshly made little human and squeezed their cute cheeks at least a hundred times a day. Where you could sleep when the baby sleeps and not have to live in fear that at any possible second your toddler will start yelling, “MORE MILK MOMMA!” or “MORE PRINCESS MOMMY” (that awful moment when Netflix pauses and asks if you are still watching and your toddler thinks their world is ending) and therefore wake up the baby and destroy any chance of you enjoying some peace and quiet.
I’m sorry that I used to think that you would leisurely meander down every aisle at Target during the middle of the day taking your sweet precious time as you pushed your kids around in the cart. I would see you out and about during the middle of the day and think to myself oh, that must be nice… come to Target whenever you want! Little did I know that just the thought of taking kids out of the house is actually quite exhausting. Not to mention going to stores that have a, dare I say it, toy section. And because I’m a sucky mom, a “cupcake” aka donut section. We are officially negotiating with little monsters. I now understand that it is not a nice leisurely activity but rather a mad freaking dash to see just how fast we can get in and out of Target without completely losing our crap.
I’m sorry that I thought that you had all of this time to meal plan, meal prep, grocery shop, work out, and basically be the healthiest mom in the world without any excuses holding you back. I’m just going to let that sit there for a minute …. . [Enter hysteric laughter here] I thought staying at home would make it so much easier to somehow get back into my pre-baby, pre-husband, pre-college, pre-everything size five jeans, and maybe someday it will, but today I am far from that moment and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. I now speak the language of frozen chicken nuggets and tater tots and frozen pizza. In fact, so much so that the other day I am fairly confident that every single thing that I bought from the store was from the frozen section. Mark it on your calendar. I’ve crossed over to the land of quick and easy and I’m not even going to feel bad about it. Not even a little bit. Because someday I’ll get back to meal planning and attempting to be healthy, but for now some days are hard and I know that frozen pizza always has my back and dinner will be done in 18 minutes flat. Boom. Done.
I’m sorry that I used to wonder why on earth you never seem to change out of your jammies AKA comfy clothes AKA stretchy elastic waistbands. I’d try to figure out why you just didn’t seem to care hanging out in your ripped yoga pants and t-shirt with both spit up stains and toddler who-knows-what-that-could-be stains. Girl, now I get it. I feel you. Stretchy elastic waistbands are heavenly and nothing beats yoga pants. Period. And honestly, there are somedays where I actually have to sit and consciously think about when the last time I changed said yoga pants was. And the mystery substances on our clothes? Just the other day my toddler literally walked over, pulled out my shirt (to which I thought she was going to say something like “mommy boob” or “baby milk” or SOMETHING along the lines of breastfeeding…) and wiped her nose using MY shirt. Most days I don’t even know when I showered last. This week I last showered on Sunday … and today is now Friday. And to make matters worse I am out of deodorant and have been doing the whole steal your husbands deodorant thing for almost two weeks now. So. Attractive. I’ve got to reign that in or I am going to have zero chances of having another baby if you know what I’m saying.
Going into this whole new staying at home adventure I was, and still am, so naive. In the spirit of keeping it real, I honestly thought that my days would feel as blissful as most of my maternity leave days. That it would basically be an extension of my maternity leave minus my cushy check. I could sip on my coffee all day long [and reheat it about a million times], start whatever shows on Netflix I wanted, be the cool mom by taking my kids out to all of these parks and doing all of these fun things, and taking lots of naps. The whole sleep when the baby sleeps thing lasts until they are in high school, right? Right. But for real. I totally went into this thinking that it would be easier than it is. I’ve only been doing this whole SAHM gig for just over a month now and already I have told my husband on numerous occasions that my former full time job was easier than this some days! Babies are adorable but exhausting. Toddlers are fun but they are even more exhausting. Preteen kids are independent and such good helpers, but they are a whole other kind of exhausting. By the time the weekend rolls around I am basically running out the door to my part time job because I am ready for some kid free time to myself – even if I am working.
Keep doing your thing, all of you bad ass [insert the “I love Jesus but I swear a little” old lady quote from Ellen here] SAHMs. And the next time someone asks you what you do all day, or sends you jealousy induced judge-y stares from across Target, or even makes the slightest comment on your never ending yoga pants, feel free to throw a chicken nugget at them and walk away. And then go get a giant freaking coffee.
The SAHM Newbie
Disclaimer: Grammar and spelling subject to be completely botched in the making of this blog post as this past week I was up until 2am twice, 5:30am once, and it is now going on 5am on day four and I am still awake… . Give a little grace.